Starting Point.

First day at school, excitement filled the air of the first-year classes building. Aie took a firm step towards the front door- looking forward to starting her new life chapter.

"Hi!" she offered her first greeting, her eyes fixed on a group of students in front of her. Everyone exchanging greeting once again, a common occurrence on first day of class.

Aie smiled ‘This is easy. I can do this!’ Yes, she can do this. Making friends is easy.

Making friends is easy.

Say hi, ask about name and hometown, exchange phone numbers, sit in the same spot- she can do that.

Everything was so smooth that day, Aie let out internal sigh of relief. She had promised herself to change; she did not want to live being sad all the time. She deserved the effort, for her own sake.

"Let's check out the food court together after this class!"

Aie smiled so much. She was going to keep it that way as long as she could. She had promised.

...

Day by day, after enough time had passed, Aie felt more comfortable in this new group of friends- she began to let her mind linger. Loud laughs and giggles became lower then quiet; she glanced at the bright sun through the glass window beside the table.

Her mind lingering, she talked less, she went everywhere on her own, she interacted less- she smiled less.

Each day the lingering grew stronger. She went back to her old habit, the old comfort space. Without realizing it, she isolated herself again.

...

The same sun still shone brightly. Headphones on her head, hands pushing away slowly her long hair strands covering her face- she noticed the table that used to be filled with her new friend groups was now empty.

"Ahh... "

"I missed my chance again... "

What had happens to that effort she promised herself? When had she stopped?

Yes, she stopped. She did not want to cross this pitiable invisible border she made herself. Everyone around her noticed that too and they let her go.

They said hi, asked her to join them, talked to her even only for a moment. But of course, eventually they realized- Aie cannot bring that same kind of effort with them. The effort to keep this simple relationship.

"They would be much happier if they weren't stuck with me here."

Pathetic thoughts started to appear whenever she tried having fun hanging out, doing typical friend group stuff. Or when they just simply sitting together eating.

‘I don't even try.’

‘They deserved a fun friend.’

‘They don't even like me.’

...

What if she got rid of that border? Will she become free?

She did try. But new, unfamiliar feelings easily swayed her.

She was being mean, she got frustrated, she made disgusted faces, she felt hate toward her own friend. She makes them uncomfortable on purpose.

Then backing off when they confronted it.

‘What am I doing?’

‘I don't deserve this’

‘I don't deserve a nice sharing space with people.’

...

Aie disgusted herself.

...

Ah, poor Aie.

Afraid of uncertainty- she let herself get lost again.

"It's okay. I am comfortable like this..."

Yet you feel suffocated?

Zero effort to fix the actual issue.

‘I need to keep my mouth shut,’ she repeated again and again, hoping nothing has happened since the beginning.

Then back to the starting point.

Maybe she can try again.

...

One day, Aie will realize. She needs to stop thinking only about herself.

Another starting point will not fix anything.